Hindsight

It’s coming up to a year since I got the confirmation that I’m autistic.

It feels like a lot longer, but I’ve also had such a varying degree of emotions through it all.

Confusion, fear, acceptance, realisation, pride, confidence…

I think the worst part is, most of those were at the same time.

While it’s great to finally get that diagnosis, it doesn’t stop those doubts creeping in. “Am I really autistic?” Is a horrible one to have. It fleetingly touches my consciousness, and then I have these negative thoughts that I’m faking it.

I’m not. I know this in my more lucid moments. But those lucid moments lead to some unsavoury feelings towards my past. The obvious signs, the misunderstanding, the treatment, the loneliness…

My eye contact is a major hindsight topic I’ve only just realised has been a thing I’ve always done. I never liked looking people in the eyes. I seem to do that weird “staring into the depths of your soul unblinking” if I try to keep eye contact and that in turn causes my mind to wander about blinking, not staring, looking away because it’s so awkwardly horrible to feel… I’m sure you get the idea, without me dragging it up.

Well, as I said, I’ve realised a lot more recently that I’ve always done these things. I’ve masked in certain ways, and in larger social groups I can go mute without some form of alcohol to help me not care.

I guess it’s just so weird to me. I’m a stubborn person, and I’ve always thought “This is who I am, so what?” and try to just stay true to myself, but it’s only recently I’ve realised that those behaviours are parts of my autism.

It’s like my diagnosis gave me a magnifying glass, and I’ve started to learn how to hold it to get the results. It’s a good thing, in a way. more self-awareness, which I seriously lack. I’m very bad at knowing how people see or perceive me which causes me to get stuck in my idea of me, rather than the patient, loving friend people see me as.

But it’s also a very bad thing. It’s good to see myself and have that understanding of me more, and it gets easier by the day, but it also means I see my traits more, and instead of loving them like I was able to do for my life, I’m starting to wonder if I need to change them.

I don’t. I really don’t. I know this. But when I hit that little spiral (which is due to some personal circumstances recently) I tend to find it hard to climb back up the steps in the middle of the spiral, and instead keeping tumbling down when I try to stop myself.

I’m Tufty. I’m patient. I’m loving. I’m a friend. I’m a caring, big-hearted individual. I don’t like looking into your eyes. I like to tap and finger drum. I like rocking. I like to sing randomly at any occasion. I eat my food in portions of food type. I ‘binge watch’ the same thing over and over rather than try something new (Witcher series… I’m looking at you…). I obsess over a hobby for days/weeks on end, then move on to the next.

I’m perfectly fine and amazing just as I am. And these little things I notice (amongst many, many more…) are just more things that make me unique – my tuftisms as I like to call them.

Hindsight is neither positive or negative, but in my instance, I’m using it to have a negative portrayal in my head. Instead of seeing my quirks and understanding myself, I’m using it to condemn myself for those behaviours, or those who didn’t pick up on it. Family, friends, doctors, medical staff, teachers, professors. I’ve always been weird.

I’ve always been that freak that people picked on and laughed at. And while it hurt after a while (that hindsight thing and lack of social awareness…) I used to think “Yeah! I am weird!” and I owned that.

It’s time we all see these harmless quirks of ours, and cherish them.

Hindsight won’t change anything. It won’t make things better or worse. It just gives us understanding and context. And this is the time we should be using those attributes to become the truly autistic superhumans we are.

Much love to you all, and to my fellow Autistibuddies.
Tufty xxx